He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize