I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
