yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
