Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
