i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize