I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
