i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
