I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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