I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
