life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
what the fuck happened to the tacos
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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