I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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