I think I am morally bankrupt
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
