i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
