I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
