I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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