i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
