Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
