Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
