we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize