Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Who died my cat blue again?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
