All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
