how can u be prego again
someone threw a dead crab at me
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
