I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
