...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
