it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
