Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
