I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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