Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
