if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
