She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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