Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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