I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
