I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
