he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
