i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize