Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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