what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
