What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I came so hard my ears popped.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
