dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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