I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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