Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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