can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize