Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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