I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
