Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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