My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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