I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Fuck appropriateness.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize