two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
