The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Green mimosas i think yes
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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