New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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