I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
