Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
