Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
