The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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