at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
