i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
