i need an iv and a liver transplant
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Randomize
