He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
