why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
it's great music for shaving your balls
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
