he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
No stitches, just platelets and will power
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
