i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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