I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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