my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
