hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Less talking, more tequila
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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